Trump Switching To Off-Brand Horse Amphetamines Amid Dwindling Finances

PALM BEACH, FL — Facing a mountain of legal fees, campaign expenses, and nearly $600 million in civil penalties levied against him by multiple courts of law, golf course manager Donald Trump has recently switched from his usual brand of horse amphetamines to a generic version in order to save nearly one-thousand dollars a week.

Trump — who served as president of the United States from 2017-2021 and is the current Republican nominee for the same position — has a long history of Equinorex use, an industrial-grade amphetamine intended for horses.

The medication is primarily utilized in the shady, underground world of unlicensed horse-racing, but Trump has found it to be especially helpful in maintaining his day-to-day existence.

“He doesn’t do a whole lot of standing up,” said a source within the Trump household who has been granted anonymity because they have not been given permission to disclose details about the former president’s private life.

“Most of his day is spent on the toilet, and even that is strenuous for him at his age,” the source continued. “[Equinorex] has been extremely effective at keeping him upright and nearly coherent. The psychosis as a side effect is easy to deal with. His voters obviously don’t care.”

Switching to a generic version of Equinorex, while not ideal, will save him a significant amount of money each month.

"It's not the same quality, but it gets the job done," said veterinary pharmaceutical expert Dicky Bloads. “With the amount of pills he’s taking, the money saved could be significant, especially for someone in financial distress like he is.”