Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring It Totally Normal To Spend 7-9 Hours Per Day On The Toilet
WASHINGTON — Amid a flurry of activity during the opening weeks of his presidential administration, Donald Trump on Friday signed an executive order declaring that it is totally normal for a person to spend a large portion of their day, as many as 7 to 9 hours, sitting on the toilet.
“In order to promote a culture of acceptance and well-being in America,” the executive order reads, “it shall be the official position of the United States that it is within typical behavior to spend hours upon hours every day hunched over in digestive discomfort, straddling a porcelain throne.”
While much of the new administration’s agenda is intended to dismantle the government and remake American life from the ground up, the “Golden Age of Executive Time,” as the statement is called, seems to be directed squarely at the president’s own demographic.
“No longer can it be said that men in their 70’s and 80’s are unable to run a business, or even a country, from their bathroom,” the executive order continues. “While astride our commodes, we are able to find clarity in decision-making and a respite from the daily irritations of life.”
Mr. Trump, who seemed annoyed that he had to spend much of his day at the signing ceremony as opposed to his porcelain sanctuary enjoying his “home bowl advantage,” nonetheless signed his name with a flourish to EO 14199, which declares “many people spend hours on the toilet. It’s not weird at all.”
As the event concluded, the president suggested that his administration was working on another executive order, expected to be announced next week, that bans any further signing ceremonies until the government is able to furnish Mr. Trump with a “signing toilet” to conduct further business at.