Trump Sawed In Half At Chainsaw Juggling Demonstration

CLEARWATER, FL — Golf course manager Donald Trump was cut completely in half on Monday morning while attending a chainsaw juggling demonstration.

Mr. Trump, who has previously served a four-year term as president of the United States of America, was rendered incapacitated when the 24-inch, gasoline-powered, 2-stroke chainsaw cut through his abdomen and split him into two distinct halves.

As a stunned silence fell over the crowd of chainsaw-juggling enthusiasts, both pieces of Trump’s body were loaded into an ambulance and rushed to nearby Morton Plant Hospital.

According to emergency physicians on the scene, Mr. Trump is expected to make a full recovery once he is sewn back together.