Trump Releases Doctor’s Note Confirming He Can Wipe Own Ass

Golf course manager Donald Trump, who served as president of the United States from 2017-2021, released a statement from Dr. Ron Sackage, his personal physician, on Friday confirming that he can wipe his ass “on his own and without outside assistance.”

“Mr. Trump is able to handle ‘executive time’ by himself,” the letter continued, using a well-known euphemism for the 8-12 hours a day the former president spends sitting on the toilet.

“He does not employ a so-called ‘bathroom-boy’ to help him clean his nether-regions, and there is not a staff member in charge of hosing down the toilet when he is done.”

The release of the letter comes as Trump is on the verge of locking down the Republican nomination for president, and could be a way to differentiate himself from Joe Biden, the current president of the United States and Trump’s likely challenger in the upcoming election, who is facing his own questions about his age and fitness for the job.

“Trump is attempting to get ahead of any questions that voters may have about his general competence,” said elections expert Dicky Bloads. “I’m not sure this will be something that makes a difference to the undecided voter, but the base will love it.”