Trump Drops Out Of Presidential Race To Focus On Being Mayor Of Douchetown

After weeks of rampant speculation regarding his candidacy, famous asshole Donald Trump announced on Monday that he will not seek the presidency, choosing instead to keep his focus on the office he currently holds, Mayor of Douchetown.

Mr. Trump has been the Mayor of Douchetown since January, following the exit of Simon Cowell.

The term has no set limit, though if he had chosen to leave now, his would have been the shortest term as Mayor of Douchetown since Ashton Kutcher served for two months in 2003 as part of a prank for the MTV show Punk’d.

“There’s a lot of unfinished business in Douchetown,” said Mr. Trump. “And I assure all Douches out there that I’m the one to do it.”