Trump Accidentally Swallows Handful Of Lit M-80's

PALM BEACH COUNTY, FL — During a brief public appearance at Palm Beach International Airport on Tuesday morning, golf course manager Donald Trump swallowed an entire handful of lit M-80’s that had somehow found their way into his possession.

Mr. Trump, a recently-convicted felon and presumptive Republican nominee for president of the United States — a position he previously served in from 2017-2021 — ingested at least half a dozen of the small explosives, according to eyewitness accounts.

The resulting blast presumably caused massive damage to Trump’s internal organs and musculoskeletal system. He was rushed to a nearby hospital before the press could fully assess his injuries.

It remains unclear how the M-80’s ended up in Trump’s hand in the first place. His two oldest sons, Don Jr. and Eric, who are known to favor loud and sparkly items, have both denied involvement.

A spokesperson for Mr. Trump’s medical team said he is expected to make a full recovery once surgeries to repair the damage are complete.