J.D. Vance Googles ‘Donald Trump Net Worth’ Again

ALEXANDRIA, VA — In an attempt to bolster his spirits after a week in which he struggled to connect with the American public, Republican Vice Presidential hopeful J.D. Vance quickly Googled “Donald Trump Net Worth” before embarking on another grueling day of campaign appearances.

The Ohio senator typed the query on his desktop computer in his home office with Secret Service agents just outside the door and campaign aides waiting patiently for him in official vehicles.

Mr. Vance spent approximately 45 seconds scrolling through search results before taking a deep breath, straightening his tie, saying to himself, “You can do this,” three or four times, and then closing the browser window. According to anonymous sources, this is an almost daily occurrence.

As of press time, Mr. Vance was holding his briefcase in his right hand, his left hand resting firmly on the doorknob of his office door, and breathing through his nose with closed eyes, seemingly deep in thought.