Elon Musk Introduces Line Of Belt-Tightening Robots For Every American
PALM BEACH, FL — As part of his project to overhaul and eliminate vast swaths of the federal government, a move expected to hobble the economy and force “temporary hardships” on the country, billionaire Elon Musk has introduced a line of belt-tightening robots suitable for nearly every American household.
“These advanced robots are programmed to automatically adjust your belt throughout the day, ensuring maximum fiscal responsibility,” Musk explained at the product launch. “The Tesla Econo-BOT ensures that discomfort is the price of living within our means.”
According to a press release, as government services decrease, the AI-powered humanoid device will incrementally tighten your waistband, helping you adapt to smaller portion sizes and reduced expenses. Some models may come equipped with built-in budget tracking and hunger suppression features.
“Americans need to prepare for leaner times,” said economics expert Dicky Bloads. “A robot that independently calibrates your belt circumference based on real-time economic indicators could help alleviate the burden of deciding whether to purchase food for your family or to pay rent.”
Critics argue that asking the public to spend thousands of dollars each on a poverty-management device is an inadequate response to austerity measures that could be prevented if corporations and the wealthy paid their fair share of taxes. Musk summarily dismissed those concerns.
“Most Americans have had it too good for too long thanks to bloated government spending,” Musk, one of the richest people in world history, said. “The only way the country can survive is to embrace fiscal discipline,” a task for which he says the Econo-BOT is uniquely suited.
"Having a robot to guide your behavior as your savings dwindle is quite innovative and efficient.” Musk said. “Plus, the psychological effect of physical constriction helps people accept their new economic reality."
Leaked reports from beta testers indicate mixed experiences with the Econo-BOT, with some praising its fiscal discipline enforcement, while others complain about breathing difficulties during particularly severe budget cuts.
The Econo-BOT's advanced algorithms can also detect when users attempt to loosen their belts manually, triggering gentle electric shocks and motivational messages about financial responsibility.
It remains unclear when the Econo-BOT will be available to the general public. However, Musk remains optimistic that it will hit the market in time to make a difference during the upcoming crisis.
“Pre-orders are live, and I expect the Econo-BOT to be delivered before the 2025 economic crash is complete,” Musk said. “And if not, it should be available sometime during the crash we have coming in 2026.”
