Cold, Lonely Despair Takes Lead In Presidential Race

A new A3G/Ipsos poll released on Friday shows Cold, Lonely Despair now enjoys a commanding lead over President Joe Biden and golf course manager Donald Trump in the 2024 Presidential race.

After a disastrous debate performance by Biden and a general distaste for Trump among the American electorate, voters are searching for alternatives, no matter how abstract they may seem.

Cold, Lonely Despair has captured the imagination of voters across party lines, promising a reliable experience of emptiness and isolation that the two major candidates simply cannot match. Supporters cite its consistency and unwavering commitment to crushing the human spirit as key selling points.

“With the Democrats and Republicans, it’s all window dressing and talking points,” said political analyst Alison Knucklebaum. “Cold, Lonely Despair is something the voters can count on every single day. Now more than ever.”

In the poll, Cold, Lonely Despair has the support of 51% of likely voters. Trump sits at 19% and Biden at 16%. Other candidates receiving votes were Crushing Existential Dread with 8% and Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. with 6%.