Big Ten Conference Secedes From United States Of America

ROSEMONT, IL — The Big Ten Conference announced on Thursday its decision to secede from the United States and form its own sovereign nation, citing a desire for greater autonomy over its athletic programs and the revenue they generate.

Speaking from the conference's headquarters, Commissioner Kevin Warren declared the formation of "Big Ten Nation," effective immediately.

"We believe this bold move will allow us to better serve our student-athletes and member institutions," Warren stated. "Our new nation will prioritize academic excellence, athletic achievement, and weekend-long tailgate parties."

The announcement has sent shockwaves through the collegiate sports world, with other conferences scrambling to assess their own options.

The Southeastern Conference has reportedly begun exploratory talks with donors about forming their own nation and how they would defend themselves against a potential future nuclear attack from the Big Ten.